Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
