I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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