apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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