I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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