New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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