i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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