what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
