Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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