i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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