I hate all girls vehemently.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Come share oat with me in your robe
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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