it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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