Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
we're making bets on your personal life
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
