I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
