Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
