she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
