It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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