How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
