Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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