its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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