I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
