we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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