My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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