I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
