I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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