I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
