all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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