i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
