hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
