There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
