thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
