I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
