She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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