i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
