i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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