Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
