I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
