apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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