i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
