my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
