Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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