My cat gives me a boner
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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