Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
