Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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