Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
