I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My legs feel like baby dolphins
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
