fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
