im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
