sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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