i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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