I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
